I Should Speak Too

Leave me to rant
I deserve some audience
I deserve to be heard
I should have a voice

I thought we could argue
I thought you understood
I thought you could deduce
That a conversation can go south or not

You hit me for the first time
Apologized a minute after
Said it was a slip
A slip that was a little too hard

You raped me for the first time
In your words I needed it
I’m pretty sure that was all you
You said it was for the best

4 years and no more
No more because it ended
No more because I absconded
No more because I’m dead.

MY RAPE STORY

Bode’s house was always so cozy. Maybe it was because I chose to get so comfortable around him. I refused to leave the bed and the chilled room temperature made me want to stay glued to his bed. It was Monday and I knew I had to get to work early: I had leftover work from last week to complete before my ever so stressful day began. I could hear him breathe heavily while working out, his annoying counts doing press ups and his shower singing were not even funny.

“Kemi! Wake Up”

I opened my eyes and a wide grin filled my face. His body was flawless. How was I able to get this god? His skin, his face, his voice… he was so perfect.

“Oya get up and get ready for work”

I hid my face under the blanket for another 2 or 3 minutes just trying to snatch a snooze. I realised it was hopeless and took the duvet off revealing my naked body. He smirked and I knew exactly what that meant and I was not going to let that happen. I rushed off to the bathroom seeing as I had slept past my workout time.

Living with Bode taught me to be a professional back pack owner. If there was a title I would proudly get it. He gave me his keys but I just could not get myself to move in even after his very many pleas. I’m sure he got tired after realizing I liked packing my bags for everyday and wearing his clothes to work when I didn’t have any. I was getting so good at it that he even admired me.

Being the professional that I am, I was in and out of the bathroom before he was done with breakfast. I took my cup of green smoothie and headed for the door, hopped in the car and was ready to go. Traffic was at it’s best that day so I was at work in no time.

“Goodbye B! see you after work”

I chose to call him B. The whole ‘baby’, ‘honey’ thing never came easy to me. We kissed goodbye and went ahead with our very different but hectic schedules. You really don’t want to hear about mine. My boss picks on me for no reason at all. It’s either she doesn’t like my hair or my shirt is too colourful – she always has silly reasons to pick on me. The office gossip Hauwa doesn’t even help matters. That one always has rumours about people at the tip of her tongue. It was generally a shitty day. Work usually ends by 6:00pm but I left at about 7:30pm because I had some extra work to deal with. I tried calling B to come get me but he didn’t answer his calls. I felt like I needed to call someone else but I decided to walk to the bus stop and take a taxi instead.

On my way to the bus stop, I came across a guy on the way. He was walking in my direction and after I walked passed him, I noticed he turned back. I felt someone’s warm hands on my waist and the hot bad air that came out of his mouth when he said “Babe how far” was so irritating. I tried to get my stun gun but before I could reach for my bag, two other guys lifted me while the other one covered my mouth with his hands. I could smell and taste the tobacco and marijuana on my lips. They all had alcohol and sweat and body odour smells mixed together. They weren’t even trying to impress me.

My back was against the muddy ground. The first guy unzipped his jeans. He was so hard you’d think I gave him a hand job. He did not bother to take off my clothes and I don’t blame him; I had easy clothes on. My skirt was easily pulled up from all that struggling and my thong was not exactly something that could stop him.

I felt a cold sensation when his fingers touched my skin. I had never been so irritated in my life. With every thrust, I imagined my insides tearing up. Fear, anger, disgust, rage,… the list goes on. I felt so helpless. I could not scream and after the second person was done, I could not feel any more. After all four were done with me, I felt my own blood flowing down my legs. I wanted to hang myself. I wanted to die. I had never felt so worthless. This was below rock bottom and I was certain I wanted to kill them. I wanted all of us dead. I checked my bag for my phone and it was gone and so was my wallet. Those fools raped me and stole from me. I laid there and just hoped someone would find me.

I opened my eyes in a hospital the next day. The nurses seemed relieved to see me fully awake. I was told I had lost a lot of blood and became unconscious. I wanted to call B or Ada, my best friend. I thought about calling my mum or dad or maybe someone from the office to tell them I was sick but I didn’t. I woke up a different person. The kemi I thought I was had disappeared overnight. She was too scared to surface. I was discharged from the hospital two days later and I went straight to the bank. Took out my savings, went to a hotel, booked a room and never came out for about 2 weeks. I didn’t see the sun. The only lights that I saw or needed were those from the corridor when room service came to deliver my food. I didn’t cry, I didn’t smile. I couldn’t find my emotions. An experience that lasted less than an hour had changed my life forever. The girl I thought I had found was lost. She didn’t exist any more.